Monday, August 16, 2010

Her mother and brother have flown in from Korea and California respectively to help her lease and settle into an apartment in Manhattan. Her previous semester abroad in Shanghai had seriously upset her psyche. She is back with an inability to articulate herself and a tendency to avoid social interactions.

Yesterday, the three of them have finally found a suitable place. Today, she signs what seems like a stack of documents. She is paranoid that she might be signing her soul away by absentmindedly writing her initials on one of the documents. The landlady is talking too much too quickly and it is making her even more nervous.

On the cab ride back to their hotel in Battery Park, she nearly panics. She has been barely keeping it together, mostly because her mother and brother were absorbing the impact of the outer world for her. The fact that they are leaving soon and that she will be alone to endure the next couple of years in college is too daunting.

As soon as she escapes the public space, as soon as she enters the privacy of their hotel room, she breaks down. She is down on her knees, pounding her fists into the ground, wailing and hiccuping, all the while trying to communicate with her patient mother and brother.

"I am scared of being a failure. I am afraid that I won't be self sufficient and will have to depend on mom and dad and Joe. I am terrified of being a life long burden to you guys." She manages to say while sucking in deep breaths.

She eventually calms down and rests her head on the fluffy hotel pillow. Her blackberry buzzes to notify that she has received an email. It is from her high school mentor who has become a good friend. He has sent the college recommendation letter he wrote for her, dated November 10, 2007. She skims through the lengthy letter and rereads a few sentences that catch her attention:

A new sense of confidence had replaced the insecurity and timidity that had characterized her performance at the beginning of the year.

Elizabeth is somewhat unique among other college applicants because she will be coming to you with a sincere sense of self discovery and inquiry.

I am very proud of Elizabeth’s personal growth in the last two years and her ability to define her goals for herself rather than from a sense of competing with others.

Elizabeth is an amazing person who is just starting to experience her independence and personal strength.

The hope and ambition that have become dormant inside her twitch a little bit.